Dearest gentle reader...
pffttt, terpengaruh sangat ni. You know la cerita apa ek!
Last few days, aku and family went for a raya photoshoot dekat one of the studios. But this is not about the studio itself or the photographer. All is nice. The ambience, the helps, the photographer itself, all is nice, so nice. But aku nak rant about the subject. Not the family members, they are all awesome and cute and beautiful. The ugly thing in the picture is me. The ugly duckling. Nah, more like a rhino.
"AKU SI HODOH ITU!!!"
When I received the pictures, the photos were taken so nicely, everyone seems happy. The lighting was on top. Everyone so beautiful except me. Damn, how much I hate myself. I really hate myself though. My present in the pictures are awful. Like I don't belong, like I'm not supposed to be there. I shouldn't be there at the first play. I am extremely ugly. My face is ugly. My oversized body is ugly. It's so impossible that my size is eating the large space in that studio. Like you can clearly see me even though I am short because of how big I am.
What I hate about myself? Do you want me to list all of it? Fine, let's get started.
About my looks, I hate my curly and shortage hair. My head almost gone bald because of unsettling problem of dandruff.
I hate my moonlike looking face. You can play golf on my face, and you will never miss a hole. I have big nose, Chappy lips, a lot of pimples, redness, dark marks, whitehead and blackhead. I have tons of oil on my face that maybe you can deep-fry some fries on it.
I hate my teeth, lack of iron, I guess. I lost a few teethes. My gums are horrible. They almost disappeared on planet earth.
I can keep going though if you want me to.
My body. I hate my unseen neck. I hate my fatty shoulders. I hate every fatty that hangs on my body. I hate my ballon like belly. Like I'm carrying babies for thousands of months. Bloated, swollen, ugly shit belly. The fats on my back. Yeah, you can play it like a playdough.
Don't get me started on my unstable skin color or my giant feet. Fuck! I hate myself!
I never want to see me in the mirror. I hated myself when I see me in the mirror. Like everything is wrong. I know I should be grateful with whatever I have right now. I got feet to walk. I have nose to breath. I have hands to hold, to write and even to blogging. But somehow, I still feel it. I still hate myself. I hope Allah forgive me for this.
I don't like to be outdoor, meeting peoples. I don't want to present on any occasions. I just want to stay in my room. Just be in here, in my room, safe. I just want to close my eyes and shut down myself from the whole world for a very long time. I'm exhausted. Damn tired. I just hate myself. I do.
The bad thing is, I never feel like this before. But now, the feeling is so strong. So intense. When I saw my old pictures, I look so happy. I used to be happy and don't give a shit about other people's opinion. But now, I hate me. I'm losing me. I hate Me now. The current "ME".
_Aku_
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