Lately I've been consumed with a lot of thoughts. I realized that I just a soulless person who just walking on earth without direction or aim. Without purpose.
Yeah purpose.
Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of a person like you to live?
Why am I even existed?
How am I supposed to live?
Why me? Why it has to be me?
Cliché answered by a person with Iman and faith will be, you had existed for being a servant to your Server. Live your life right, doing goods, don't be bad. Always do your deeds, your Ibadah. When you were tested, seek Allah for helps. Allah already have your life planned. Allah testing you because you were chosen by Him, to test your Iman, to upgrade you. Allah test you because Allah knows you can handle that. You are strong enough to carry those tests. Your purpose of life is always for seeking Allah's blessing. Allah will grant you Heaven. Everyone knows that. Every person who has faith know that.
Then, there is me, a woman yang imannya senipis atau mungkin lebih nipis dari kulit bawang. Aku diuji. Ya, sama seperti orang lain, aku juga diuji. Aku diuji dengan kehilangan mereka yang aku sayang tahun lepas. My beloved grandmother and grandfather. Then, my dearest kak ya got minor stroke. She cannot walk properly. Left side of her body were so weak. He can't even manage herself. Already using pampers. And my mother yang uruskan dia and uruskan rumah as well. My mother also so damn tired. I am tired as well. Kak Ya also tired. Why ya Allah? why us? Those questions always arose when we were tested. Always. Aku tahu jawapannya, Allah uji sebab Allah sayang. Yeah, I know. I damn know that too.
Tapikan ya Allah, kenapa aku rasa macam ni sekarang? Aku rasa terlalu lemah, malas. Aku rindu Kau ya Allah. Aku rindu hati aku ni di peluk dengan penuh kasih dan sayang Kau. Aku rasa kosong. Aku hilang tujuan untuk hidup. Aku seperti ditinggalkan di dalam hutan seorang diri. Aku hilang arah ya Allah. Aku cuma hidup sebab aku perlu. Aku diperlukan hidup. Aku? Aku macam mana ya Allah? Aku ni apa? Aku rasa kosong tapi tidak tenang. I never genuinely happy. Aku peluk luka aku seorang diri. Aku nangis sendiri. Tapi aku tak tahu apa masalah aku. Aku tak tahu macam mana keadaan aku. Aku tak tahu Aku.
Seperti permukaan air di tasik, nampak tenang tapi tidak akan pernah tahu apa yang ada di dalamnya.
Seperti dalam satu ruangan yang kosong, putih, terang dan cerah, tetapi di benak terkandung beribu rasa, berjuta tanya.
Senyap dalam kepekatan malam tapi hingar di dalam fikiran. Mungkin hati juga dilanda tsunami.
Pejamkan mata. Esok mungkin masih ada. Esok mungkin kau akan rasa. Kau akan tahu. Mungkin.
~ aku ~
