Aku tak suka "AKU"

Dearest gentle reader...

pffttt, terpengaruh sangat ni. You know la cerita apa ek!

Last few days, aku and family went for a raya photoshoot dekat one of the studios. But this is not about the studio itself or the photographer. All is nice. The ambience, the helps, the photographer itself, all is nice, so nice. But aku nak rant about the subject. Not the family members, they are all awesome and cute and beautiful. The ugly thing in the picture is me. The ugly duckling. Nah, more like a rhino.

"AKU SI HODOH ITU!!!"

When I received the pictures, the photos were taken so nicely, everyone seems happy. The lighting was on top. Everyone so beautiful except me. Damn, how much I hate myself. I really hate myself though. My present in the pictures are awful. Like I don't belong, like I'm not supposed to be there. I shouldn't be there at the first play. I am extremely ugly. My face is ugly. My oversized body is ugly. It's so impossible that my size is eating the large space in that studio. Like you can clearly see me even though I am short because of how big I am.

What I hate about myself? Do you want me to list all of it? Fine, let's get started.

About my looks, I hate my curly and shortage hair. My head almost gone bald because of unsettling problem of dandruff.

I hate my moonlike looking face. You can play golf on my face, and you will never miss a hole. I have big nose, Chappy lips, a lot of pimples, redness, dark marks, whitehead and blackhead. I have tons of oil on my face that maybe you can deep-fry some fries on it.

I hate my teeth, lack of iron, I guess. I lost a few teethes. My gums are horrible. They almost disappeared on planet earth. 

I can keep going though if you want me to.

My body. I hate my unseen neck. I hate my fatty shoulders. I hate every fatty that hangs on my body. I hate my ballon like belly. Like I'm carrying babies for thousands of months. Bloated, swollen, ugly shit belly. The fats on my back. Yeah, you can play it like a playdough.

Don't get me started on my unstable skin color or my giant feet. Fuck! I hate myself!

I never want to see me in the mirror. I hated myself when I see me in the mirror. Like everything is wrong. I know I should be grateful with whatever I have right now. I got feet to walk. I have nose to breath. I have hands to hold, to write and even to blogging. But somehow, I still feel it. I still hate myself. I hope Allah forgive me for this. 

I don't like to be outdoor, meeting peoples. I don't want to present on any occasions. I just want to stay in my room. Just be in here, in my room, safe. I just want to close my eyes and shut down myself from the whole world for a very long time. I'm exhausted. Damn tired. I just hate myself. I do.

The bad thing is, I never feel like this before. But now, the feeling is so strong. So intense. When I saw my old pictures, I look so happy. I used to be happy and don't give a shit about other people's opinion. But now, I hate me. I'm losing me. I hate Me now. The current "ME".

_Aku_

Apa Khabar Iman?

Lately I've been consumed with a lot of thoughts. I realized that I just a soulless person who just walking on earth without direction or aim. Without purpose.

Yeah purpose.

Have you ever wondered what is the purpose of a person like you to live?

Why am I even existed?  

How am I supposed to live my life?

Why me? Why it has to be me?

Cliché answered by a person with Iman and faith will be, you had existed for being a servant to your Server. Live your life right, doing goods, don't be bad. Always do your deeds, your Ibadah. When you were tested, seek Allah for helps. Allah already have your life planned. Allah testing you because you were chosen by Him, to test your Iman, to upgrade you. Allah test you because Allah knows you can handle that. You are strong enough to carry those tests. Your purpose of life is always for seeking Allah's blessing. Allah will grant you Heaven. Everyone knows that. Every person who has faith know that.

Then, there is me, a woman yang imannya senipis atau mungkin lebih nipis dari kulit bawang. Aku diuji. Ya, sama seperti orang lain, aku juga diuji. Aku diuji dengan kehilangan mereka yang aku sayang tahun lepas. My beloved grandmother and grandfather. Then, my dearest kak ya got minor stroke. She cannot walk properly. Left side of her body were so weak. He can't even manage herself. Already using pampers. And my mother yang uruskan dia and uruskan rumah as well. My mother also so damn tired. I am tired as well. Kak Ya also tired. Why ya Allah? why us? Those questions always arose when we were tested. Always. Aku tahu jawapannya, Allah uji sebab Allah sayang. Yeah, I know. I damn know that too.

Tapikan ya Allah, kenapa aku rasa macam ni sekarang? Aku rasa terlalu lemah, malas. Aku rindu Kau ya Allah. Aku rindu hati aku ni di peluk dengan penuh kasih dan sayang Kau. Aku rasa kosong. Aku hilang tujuan untuk hidup. Aku seperti ditinggalkan di dalam hutan seorang diri. Aku hilang arah ya Allah.  Aku cuma hidup sebab aku perlu. Aku diperlukan hidup. Aku? Aku macam mana ya Allah? Aku ni apa? Aku rasa kosong tapi tidak tenang. I never genuinely happy. Aku peluk luka aku seorang diri. Aku nangis sendiri. Tapi aku tak tahu apa masalah aku. Aku tak tahu macam mana keadaan aku. Aku tak tahu "Aku".

Seperti permukaan air di tasik, nampak tenang tapi tidak akan pernah tahu apa yang ada di dalamnya.

Seperti berada di dalam satu ruangan yang kosong. Terang, tetapi tak nampak.

Seperti senyapnya malam tapi hingar di fikiran. 

Mungkin hati juga dilanda tsunami.

Pejamkan mata. Esok mungkin masih ada. Esok mungkin kau akan rasa. Kau akan tahu. Mungkin.

~ aku ~